Hightower Lowdown

Tis the season for giving, so here are gifts I'm sending to some of the people in power!

To each of our Congress critters, I send my fondest wish that from now on, they receive the exact same income, pay increases, health care, and pensions that we average citizens get. If they get only the American average, my guess is that this will enrich their lives by making them a bit more humble—and a whole lot more eager to serve the public's needs.

For America's CEOs, my gift is a brand-new set of corporate ethics. It's an elegant yet simple set called the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Going to pollute someone's neighborhood? Then you have to live there, too. Going to slash wages and benefits? Then slash yours as well. Going to move your manufacturing to sweatshops in China? Then put your office right inside the worst of those sweatshops. Executive life won't be as luxurious, but you'll enjoy a new purity of spirit.

For Democratic leaders, I've sent jumbo glue-guns filled with Super Glue to inject each other's vertebrae and stiffen their spines, so they can stand up to Bush and the moneyed elite.

Finally, I got a doll for Tom DeLay, the power-mad GOP majority leader. Only, he doesn't get the doll—I keep it. It's a voodoo doll of Tom himself, and I'll stick pins into it every time this vindictive, vituperative, right-wing extremist gets nasty. I jab a pin in the doll's head and Tom's hair starts on fire. It'll make him a better person. Lobbyists for such outfits as Time Warner, Cablevision, and Cox rammed a deregulation law through Congress in 1997 that allows them to set their own rates. Trust us, they said, the elixir of unregulated competition will magically cause cable charges to fall.

Result? Our monthly bills are up 40% in just six years!

Well, yes, say the cable giants, but now we give you more channels than before. Yep, more channels, including dozens we never requested and never watch. And they show the same old junk. Well, yes, say the giants again, but the fees we pay for programming are up, too, so we're being forced to raise our rates. Hey, Flim-Flam Man, in many cases you are the programmer!

For example, Time Warner sells cable service to millions of homes, and it owns CNN, TBS, TNT, Cartoon Network, and many others—so it is paying itself for the higher program costs. Besides, the cost of all the programs you get on cable is only about $7 of your monthly cable bill, which now averages nearly $37. Meanwhile, profit margins of cable companies are running above 30%—about three times the average of other industries! To fight this tomfoolery and price-gouging by these greedheads, call the Consumers Union: 202-462-6262.