Hightower Lowdown

To celebrate the big changes in Washington in 2009, I've come up with my new year's wishes for some special people.

For members of Congress, for example, I wish that, from now on, all 535 of them will restrict themselves to the exact same level of annual pay, health care, and pension that the typical citizen gets. No more, no less. If they have to live as we do, I'll bet they'd take a personal interest in raising everyone's standard of living!

For the CEOs of Citigroup, Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase, and all the other barons of Wall Street whose Ponzi schemes crashed our economy, I've sent hand-lettered pink slips. With gold-leaf edging, of course. Having made such a mess, why should they still be on the job? With time on their hands, some might even have a moral epiphany and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity to help a few of the families who were ruined by Wall Street's machinations.

For George W, "Buckshot" Cheney, and Karl Rove, I chose leather-bound copies of Constitutional Law for Dummies. This tome might come in handy this year as they wonder why they are being hauled before grand juries and being subpoenaed by congressional committees. Bush could also use his copy as a starter book for his new, secretly funded presidential library.

And I've sent President-elect Obama a jumbo glue gun filled with super glue. When the corporate lobbyists and business-as-usual politicians descend, Obama can give himself a shot to stiffen his spine so he can stand up firmly for the people's interest.

This year is also the start of the Lowdown's second decade. Our February issue will celebrate our feisty little letter's 10th anniversary.